Failed Princesses
by Queen of the Slackers
Summary: 5 girls from our world take the places of 5 of the most beloved fairy tale princesses. In a world far from their own with no way of getting back, how will they cope? Or rather, how will this new world cope with them?
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

Once upon a time, in a far away land called Swanmore, there lived 5 girls. Well, technically only 2 of them lived there and the others were just visiting, but I digress. It was a beautiful day, the birds were singing, kids were playing, and our heroines were doing what comes naturally to teenagers under such conditions.

That's right, they were lounging around indoors, practicing for "Lord of the Rings: The Parody Musical".

Ok, maybe that's not what comes naturally to most teenagers, but not one of these girls could truthfully claim to be normal.

Firstly, there's Laura. Exercise-addict, health food junkie, and incredibly annoying.

Then, Jess Kovacs. Practicing witch, ardent reader of all fairytales, and poisons expert.

Shannon. Answers to "God" and will tease anyone given the chance.

Hanne. Sarcastic and cynical, extremely lazy, and has a talent for disappearing when she's needed.

Finally, Jess Baldwin. Often described as a militant feminist, hater of poor literature, and likes making insane plans with Hanne, e.g. to send all males to Siberia, or to make a Prawn Circus.

As you can see, they aren't typical fairy tale princess material. Perhaps they weren't the best choices for their roles in this tale, but fate moves in mysterious ways…

Back in Jess K's room, our heroines had got distracted from practicing yet again. This time, the cause was their search for Jess K's diary. Or rather, Laura and Shannon's search. Jess B had found a magazine with an article about Twilight and was busy fuming, Hanne couldn't be bothered to shift from her comfy spot on the end of the bed, and Kovacs obviously didn't want anyone to find her diary anyway.

However, instead of the diary, Laura found a rather different book. It was a book of fairy tales Jess K had found the other day and hadn't got around to reading yet. It was perfectly normal in every way except one. The princesses illustrated on the front had more than a passing resemblance to each of our 5 heroines!

It was this that caused Laura to pick it up and open it; and it was that action that sent the 5 spiraling off into the pages…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1- Shannon is kidnapped

Stranded in a world far from her own, untold miles away from anyone she knew, the last thing Shannon needed was to nearly be run over by a person on a horse. Unfortunately, that was exactly what happened.

Thankfully, Shannon managed to jump out of the way. She was fairly understandably annoyed, but this annoyance turned to confusion when the rider swiftly turned around, stared at her like she was the most fascinating thing he'd ever seen, and swept her up onto his horse.

"What the Hell? One second you're trying to run your horse over me, next you're kidnapping me?" She stared at him and shook her head. "Let me GO!" She continued to protest for the next minute or so, until they arrived at a huge castle.

"…Wow…big… Overcompensating for something?" The stranger glared at her, but Shannon ignored him in favour of staring some more. This was the most massive building she had ever seen, and they seemed to be going into it. As they approached the gates, they swung open and they rode into the courtyard.

The stranger leapt off his horse, pulling Shannon with him none too gently. A random stable hand ran up and led the horse away as the stranger approached the doors. In the manner of all fairy tales, they swung open at his touch.

The stranger dragged Shannon through the doors. Courtiers bowed as he strode past. Seeing as none of her complaints or questions seemed to be getting through, Shannon tried a more violent method…

"Ow! Stop kicking me! You're supposed to act genteel and shy." Shannon blinked.

"What? Since when?" The stranger shrugged.

"That's just how it's supposed to go. The damsel in distress, i.e. you, is lost in the wilderness, when the brave prince i.e. me, rides up on his noble steed and rescues you. Then you're supposed to weep in gratitude and shower me with kisses and stuff. Then I take you, the princess-in-disguise, off to my castle, where my mother puts a pea in your bed, you can't sleep because of this, and we discover you're a princess. Then we get married and everyone's happy. Honestly, don't you know anything? It's not like the plot is complicated…"

"WHAT?" Shannon stared. "Princess? Since when?"

"Since you were born? That's usually how it works in royal families. It's not like you were chosen. Anyway, the princess is obviously you. Who else do you know that looks like this?" He held out her year 11 school photo. "This is what I was told to look for. Now settle down, shut up and act like a princess."

Shannon learnt two things that first day. Firstly, the stranger was, as he claimed, a prince. Well, either that or there was a huge conspiracy around here!

Secondly, she learnt that all of the royals in this world were named after their most prominent personality trait, as Prince Charming had been many generations before. Her prince's name was Prince Tactless, named for his complete inability to be anything but blunt. She too would be renamed the day before her marriage, and Prince Tactless would be the one to name her. Needless to say, she was a little worried.

Thirdly, she learnt that her supposed future mother-in-law, Queen Melodramatic, was completely mad.

The second she entered the room, she was swept into a hug by the Queen, while she was anxiously questioned about her health, how she'd found the trip here, how she liked her son etc etc.

Simply put, she was a little overwhelming.

"Darling! You're back! And who's this young lady with you? It can't be! Finally, now the heroine is here, the story can begin. It was really so boring waiting. But anyway, how are you, dear?" The Queen turned to Shannon "You weren't waiting to be found too long were you? Your bedchambers have already been arranged, complete with ladder; don't worry! How have you been getting on with my son? Oh! I see you're already at the hand-holding stage! So sweet…"

"Huh? Oh, we weren't holding hands! He was just making sure I didn't escape…" Shannon glared at the prince.

"Ah, she's shy! Oh, don't worry dear. We all know you're a princess, and my son's future bride. We're only using the pea procedure out of tradition!" She smiled warmly at Shannon.

"Umm… that's great, but… I'm kinda, how should I put this… not the person you're looking for?"

*Silence*


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2- Kovacs seeks the help of a witch

While Shannon was busy being kidnapped, Jess K was just a mile away, trying to explain to a couple she'd never seen before that she was not their daughter, and what sort of a name was Rapunzel anyway?

Jess was finding her new parents so stupid she was almost happy when the witch turned up and whisked her away to live in a tower.

Not quite though.

"I've come for my payment, and I will not be turned away. I have come for your daughter, the fair Rapunzel" The witch spoke confidently,

"Why is it my fault that they stole something from you? Wouldn't it make more sense to punish them? Besides, you've got the wrong person. I'm absolutely no relation to them, and I'm certainly not named after a vegetable!"

This confused both the witch and her so-called parents, but after staring at her for a few seconds the witch decided to ignore this and try again.

"You cannot deny me! I have waited 16 years for this. Come with me, girl."

"Don't call me that! I have a name you know."

"Well if you won't answer to it, then I have no choice!"

"Rapunzel isn't my name. My name is Jess, and I think you should be busy looking for the real Rapunzel instead of kidnapping me!"

*sigh* "Look, if you stop being difficult and admit you're Rapunzel I might make you my apprentice. You'll learn all sorts of interesting stuff, and in my line of work your chances of meeting a handsome prince drastically increase…" The witch wheedled.

"…What kind of stuff?"

"Oh, potions, poisons, spells, all that typical witchy stuff. You may even get a broomstick if you're very good."

"Why didn't you say so? Let's go!"

"Well, this is your new room. You're not allowed to leave until your prince turns up. Sorry about that, but it's the rules. Anyway, if you go swanning off all over the place how's your prince supposed to find you? No, you'll thank me for this later. Now, you get unpacked and settle in, I'll be back tomorrow morning for your first lesson." The witch had obviously learnt the folly of letting Kovacs get so much as a word in, and gabbled her welcome so fast that it took Jess a few seconds to work out what had just been said. By the time she had, the witch was gone.

*sigh* "So bored…" Jess stared out of the window, almost completely ignoring the witch, who was busily tidying. Since she'd arrived at an ungodly hour that morning, all she'd done was potter around doing housework while occasionally wandering over to check up on Jess K's progress with her healing spells.

She had already made it quite clear that Jess wasn't going to be taught anything deadly, dangerous, or even mildly interesting, because it would lower Jess's "marriage value".

She talked about marriage value, appropriate activities for young ladies and manners far too much for Jess's tastes. She'd also made Jess wear a dress, which, while very pretty, was not particularly practical, especially for her rare broomstick flying lessons. Jess had already worked out that this apprenticeship wasn't going to be as fun as she'd first thought.

The witch had said that Jess would be working on housework spells next.

Oh the joy.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3- The pros and cons of being a princess.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" SPLAT! "Urgh! I've got mud everywhere!" Laura complained, clambering out of the mud puddle she'd landed in. A hand reached down to help pull her out, and she took it, too shocked by her sudden teleportation (and horrified by the state of her clothing) to care about who was with her.

"Princess? Are you ok?" An unfamiliar voice shook Laura from her shock. She looked around for the princess, but only saw herself and the man in the red uniform helping her up. "What are you doing wandering around outside anyway? You're missing your etiquette lessons!"

Maybe he was just being sarcastic, but she had to be sure.

"Sorry, did you just call me princess? Yeah, don't. And what the hell do you mean; etiquette lessons? I'm not going to etiquette lessons!"

"It would appear that you need them, your Highness."

Laura coughed and spluttered in surprise. "What?" Then she fell into a faint.

When Laura came to, she was lying on a couch in a schoolroom, wearing a simple light blue dress and surrounded by worried maids. When they saw that she'd awoken, they left hurriedly, somehow managing to bow and scurry backwards out of the room without bumping into anything. Laura watched this feat with amusement, but when the last girl had left she sat up and scanned the room.

To her right, there was a forbidding-looking lady clad in charcoal grey, perched daintily on her seat behind a desk. She was glaring at Laura like her entire family had just been brutally murdered and Laura was personally responsible.

"Uh… hi! Look, I seem to have got mixed up in something, not sure what, but I'd appreciate it if someone could let me use a phone to ring my parents. I'd kinda like to be getting home around now…" She trailed off under the unknown lady's ferocious glare.

"So glad you're enjoying yourself with your little charade, but I rather think it's time to settle down and get back to work, yes?" Laura nodded vigorously. "So glad we agree" the lady purred.

"Now, since you've missed so much of this lesson, we really must get to work. Before we start though, I would just love to know what you thought you were doing today. A well-bred young lady does not leave her rooms on her own, particularly in peasant clothing! And I must say, I don't know what you were doing, pretending you weren't a princess! One would think that a fairly bright young lady such as yourself might realize that your father's oldest servant is always going to recognize you, covered in mud or not." She sighed and shook her head. "At least you seem to have learnt the most important lesson of Princess-hood: When in doubt, faint. I don't think it was theatrical enough, so today you will be practicing your swooning technique."

Laura sighed. It was going to be a long day.

The lady in gray Laura later learnt was her etiquette teacher, Lady de Houghton. She was every bit as strict as she had first appeared, and, no matter how many times Laura said it, would never listen to her when she claimed to not be a princess.

Laura wasn't finding life as a princess very fun, however; maybe the upcoming banquet would change her mind…

Or maybe not.

"Princess! Come and greet your guests! This is King Narcoleptic and Queen Impatient, and their son, the delightful Prince Whiny, your fiancé. They're from the neighbouring kingdom, and it's really rather important that you get along, so why don't we seat you next to your future husband?" Lady de Houghton was as blunt as ever.

"But… but… but… husband? Fiancé? Huh?"

"That's nice, your highness. Now go and sit down like a good girl, and wait for the main course."

And with that, she strode of, leaving Laura to make conversation with her 3 delightful companions.

"Um, hi! So… nice weather we're having, isn't it?" She smiled desperately.

"What? Oh, yes, yes, it's fine. Don't you think they could hurry up with the food? I'm starving here!" Queen Impatient certainly lived up to her name.

"I don't like the weather, actually. It's too sunny, it hurts my eyes, and when it's not sunny it rains, and then it's too wet to do anything and I get bored, and if it snows then it's too cold and the grounds slippery and then I fall over like I did last year and I got a graze on my knee and it really HURT!" Laura began to grit her teeth, but turned to King Narcoleptic, in case he had anything to say. No such luck. The king was asleep, head on the table, snoring gently.

"Aww, he's asleep! That's just so unfair, he never stays awake long enough to listen to me! I feel so unloved; he never ever ever has time for me! Why doesn't he care? I deserve a more attentive father, who looks after my every need. Why did I have to get him? And my mother never has the patience to listen to anything I say! I hate being ignored! It's so unfair! Prince Tactless's mother, Queen Melodramatic is much more sympathetic! Prince Sexist's father, King Narcissistic always has time for him! Well, so long as the topic of conversation is King Narcissistic, but that's better than what I get! Even Prince Enthusiastic's parents, Queen Naïve and King Anxious, are kinder to him than mine are to me! It's just not faaaaaiiir! By the end of this tirade, Laura was wondering how much trouble she'd get into for killing Prince Whiny, stuffing him in a sack and dropping him in the nearest river. Thankfully, she was spared from further ranting by the arrival of the food.

The servants set out the feast before her. It looked delicious. There was one tiny problem. Everything there either contained milk or was covered in breadcrumbs, chocolate or cheese, and with all her various allergies, Laura couldn't eat a bite of any of it! Except for one thing… It appeared that for this meal, Laura would have to eat nothing but her least favourite food, salami.

Oh the luxurious life of royalty.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 4- Jess B and the 7 minions

Jess B landed directly outside a castle just like Laura. However, instead of landing in a mud puddle, Jess managed to get stuck up a tree.

"Uh… help?" After calling plaintively for a few minutes, she got bored and climbed down herself. When she had pulled all of the twigs out of her hair, she looked up at the gates.

"Hello? I'm a little lost; could someone give me directions back to Swanmore?" The gates swung open and a woman with a crown barreled out of them.

"Snow White! There you are girl! I've been calling for the last 5 minutes… Good gracious girl, what are you wearing? Are those… peasant clothes? Go and get changed at once! No stepdaughter of mine is going out in peasant clothing, particularly male peasant clothing. Do you want to look like a stable-hand? Run along and put a dress on, quickly. I need you back here as soon as possible so that you can go off into the woods with my huntsmen for no adequately explained reason."

"But… why? I like my clothes! Besides, I'm not your stepdaughter, and I'm not called Snow White."

"For the purposes of this tale, you are"

"Oh. Ok then. But I don't want to wear a dress!"

"Wear a dress or I'll make you run to the woods, instead of getting a carriage."

"…Fine…"

Jess had been through almost her entire wardrobe before she finally found something that wasn't composed purely of primary colours.

Her final choice was a forest green dress, with long trailing sleeves. She tried to find a nice circlet to go with it, but all she seemed to have were a selection of bows, so Jess decided to forgo the headdress and just run downstairs to the gates, where her new stepmother was (im)patiently waiting for her.

"It's about time! Why did it take you so long girl? Oh, never mind, just get in the carriage."

The second the carriage arrived at the woods, Jess was literally booted out of the door and left sprawling in the dust. Coughing a little bit, she sat up and stared mournfully after the carriage.

"Now what?" She asked, little expecting an answer, so when someone behind her spoke, she almost jumped out of her skin- a real achievement for someone who can't get 5 cm off the surface of a trampoline.

"Now, if I've read the script correctly, I try to kill you."

"WHAT?" Jess whipped around and glared at the huntsman idly leaning against a tree.

"Hey, no need for that! I'm just doing my job. I only come into this story twice, and this is my most important part! Anyway, all you need to do is stand there and look feeble, and then I say I can't do it, and let you run off crying into the forest. Ok?"

"No! That is so stupid and stereotypical! Why do I have to be the one that stands here and looks feeble just because I'm a girl and girls can't do anything in fairy tales?"

"Hey, don't take this out on me, I didn't write this story."

"I don't care; you were going along with it. How about you try to kill me and I disarm you, knock you out, and escape on my own?"

*sigh* "Fine, we can go with that."

Leaving the would-be assassin lying under a tree, Jess happily wandered off. A few minutes later, she came to a house that seemed to be empty. Like most sensible people would, she ignored it, and kept walking.

She was therefore fairly surprised when it appeared again, 5 minutes later. Confused, she decided that she must have accidentally turned in a circle, and so decided to try again.

Imagine her chagrin when she turned up at exactly the same place again. And again. And again.

Eventually, she gave up and decided to knock on the door and ask for directions out of this wood, if anyone was there.

Nobody was home, and so Jess decided to try leaving the woods again, just in case the last ten times had been merely a fluke.

They weren't.

Eventually, about an hour later, Jess decided to simply lie under a tree near the mysterious house, and wait for the occupants to come back. 3 hours later, it was getting dark and she realized it was either wait in the house or freeze, even if waiting in the house would be breaking and entering; and technically against the law.

A few seconds after she entered the house, 7 dwarves burst in.

"Thank God!" One of them cried. "I thought you'd never go in! The story is very specific that you have to enter the house first… Oh, right, the script. Let's see… Ah yes! What are you doing in our home?" He questioned. After a few moments of silence, he helpfully added "This is the part where you tell us about your stepmother."

"…" Yet more silence.

"Ah, we'll just skip all that stuff. Anyway, you'll be staying here in return for slave labour *cough* I mean housework. Cooking, cleaning, etc etc. You're a girl; you should be good at it."

"What, just because I'm a girl means I have to be good at housework? Doesn't anyone believe in gender equality here? I'm not going to do housework, and I find the way you assume I will be quite happy cooped up here slaving over a hot stove extremely offensive. Girls are good for more than chores!" Jess proceeded to rant for the next 3 hours, ignoring the dwarves if they tried to interrupt her. By the end of it, all 7 dwarves had slightly glazed eyes and were nodding vaguely.

"I see… you're right. We will never make such a heinous mistake again."

"Good. Now it's too late for me to go anywhere, so I'll simply have to spend the night here."

"But…" Jess cleared her throat in preparation for another rant "I mean, we'd be more than happy to accommodate you! Please come right this way."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 5- Why Hanne and Housework don't mix**

When Hanne arrived in the fairytale world, she landed in a coal cellar. She was obviously not very impressed, as she had been looking forward to a rather more exciting world, with mad scientists from the future, or evil magicians seeking sacrifices; and she'd ended up in the dark, in a coal cellar, covered in dust. Standing up, she brushed the worst of the coal dust off and peered around the room.

She could just about see a thin strip of light, illuminating a narrow flight of stairs. Hanne started feeling her way over to them, hoping that behind the door at the top lay the way home, or at least someone that she could complain to.

This plan, however, somewhat failed as no sooner had Hanne poked her head out of the trapdoor was a large metal bucket thrown at it by a stern-looking woman who seemed to recognize her, with a command of "Fill that up now, you lazy girl, and then go and run a bath" She looked quite angry, especially after Hanne simply dodged the bucket, making no effort to catch it. Hanne watched the bucket bounce down the cellar steps until it was out of sight and then turned to stare at the woman.

"Who are you? And, this may seem like an odd question, but where is this?" The woman sighed.

"I am your new stepmother, this is your house. Now get on with your work, I don't have time to answer your ridiculous questions!"

This left Hanne with a large empty bucket, which she had been told to fill. But Hanne wasn't going to fill it with coal, at least not totally. By the light of the trapdoor, she could see a couple of what appeared to be dead rats. Screwing up her face in disgust, and using a silk handkerchief dropped by her apparent stepmother, a couple of dead rats went into the bucket, and then she covered them with coal until the bucket was full. Deciding her work was done, Hanne left the handkerchief and the bucket of rats in the cellar and went off to go and find somebody to complain to, or at least a small child to terrify. Unfortunately, Hanne didn't get very far, as she was accosted by what appeared to be a small hovercraft clad in pink silk ruffles, with a mass of blonde curls and a voice that made her sound like a chipmunk on helium.

"There you are, Cinderella, I want you to run me a bath"

Hanne, meanwhile, was not listening to the pink hovercraft, but trying to decide whether she should be disgusted that someone would dare to wear ruffles that looked like they belonged in the New Look Summer 2010 collection, or sniggering at how ridiculous this girl actually looked. However, when she discovered the hovercraft was looking at her with a somewhat strange expression, like she was expecting Hanne to do something, Hanne decided that she probably should make a few things clear.

"Who are you? And why should I run you a bath? I need to get back to Jess K's house so we can work on the yodeling orcs scene"

However, the pink monstrosity looked rather perplexed at Hanne's seeming rebellion and started squeaking. Or at least that's how it sounded to Hanne.

"Honestly, are you even more stupid than you look? I'm Prunella, your prettiest step sister! And it's your duty to do as I tell you to do! Now, let's forget all this rubbish about Jess and her yodeling orcs, and run me a bath before Hagatha uses up all the hot water."

However, unlike the person she had apparently replaced, Hanne had no intention of being a submissive servant, especially to somebody who had insulted her, and besides, she had to get home. So when Prunella left, she simply "forgot" what she was supposed to be doing and wandered outside to climb a tree. It wasn't as if she knew where the bathroom was anyway.

Unfortunately, half an hour later she was found by her stepmother, who was now looking even angrier than when Hanne had last seen her.

"What do you think you are doing? You were told to run a bath for Prunella! And where's that bucket of coal?"

"Oh, I forgot what you wanted me to do… sorry and all that. I did fill up the bucket though! I left it in the cellar, since you didn't tell me to bring it anywhere, only to fill it." Hanne was now hanging upside down, swinging backwards and forwards slowly.

"Idiotic girl! Fine, I shall write down your chores, make sure not to lose the paper or you won't be fed tonight. I have better things to be doing than overseeing you. Oh, and be sure to change into a dress, you're an embarrassment going around like that." And with that, she dropped the list into Hanne's hand and stormed off.

"I really don't like her" Hanne frowned. "And I have absolutely no intention of making life easy for her…"

The first thing on the list was to run a bath for Prunella. Hanne turned the taps on, put the plug in, and then wandered off.

First job done, now onto the next...

Make dinner. Easy enough, Hanne simply got some bread out and made sandwiches, just without any butter or filling. Prunella needed to go on a diet, Hanne was simply trying to help!

The third thing on the list was feed the chickens. Hanne went outside, counted the chickens, and then carefully measured out some corn, one piece per chicken. After all, she didn't want to overfeed them, and the instructions hadn't been very specific as to how much was advisable.

Finally, the list told her to wash the dirty clothes. As Hanne wasn't sure where the aforementioned clothes could be found, she decided to leave this one. Her new family all thought she was an idiot anyway.

It was around this point that Hanne noticed the floor was a little damp, and there was water dripping from the ceiling.

"Oops, that'll be the bath. Probably shouldn't have left it… Oh well, I suppose this could help wash the dirty clothes, wherever they are. Maybe if the house was flooded that would count as washing them? I'll be cleaning the house at the same time; this really doesn't have a downside!" And with that she skipped off back to her tree.

"You stupid, ditsy, inconsiderate, brainless brat! What were you doing? We told you to run a bath, not to flood the house! Even when you worked out that the bath was overflowing, instead of turning the taps off like anyone with sense would, or at least telling one of us, you simply go back to play in your tree. What are you, a squirrel? Now we have to move while our old house is drained and re-furbished! ARGH! And after all that, you're still not wearing a dress as befits a lady of this household. Are you trying to make me angry? Stop swinging on that branch and get down here! And at least try to look sorry!" Hanne's stepmother took a few breaths to calm down, and then continued, now speaking in tones of quiet, barely contained fury. "You are obviously incapable of dealing with more than one thing at a time, so for now just focus on getting that bath run."

Hanne looked at the bath. Her stepmother had drawn a line on the side of the bath, and told her she was not allowed to leave the bathroom until the bath had been filled up to this point, and then the taps had been turned off. Getting an idea, Hanne grinned evilly.

5 minutes later, she was getting marched back into the bathroom and informed that filling the bath with dirty washing was not acceptable. She was very firmly told that the bath had to be filled with water, and then her stepmother left, content in her belief that Hanne couldn't possibly get those instructions wrong. Oh how wrong she was.

As soon as she had left, Hanne ran to the freezer and started bringing ice cube trays back, then dropping the contents in the bath. Fortunately for Hanne, her stepmother had been planning a housewarming party, and so the freezer had been filled with ice cubes in preparation. When she had finished filling the bath with these ice cubes, she left to find her stepmother to inform her that she was done.

Her stepmother, eye twitching slightly, kindly informed Hanne that most people preferred the water in their baths in its liquid state, and where did she get that many ice cubes from anyway? Hanne only smiled enigmatically, and thanked her for her useful insight into bath running.

Hanne's stepmother looked at her somewhat warily, and then went back to overseeing Hagatha's singing lesson.

Hanne giggled and then left to find a bucket. Finding one under the sink, she then proceeded to go outside to the ditch she'd seen earlier and start transporting the water there to the bath. Finally, it was full.

Hanne looked at her muddy handiwork with pride. She decided that rather than bothering her dear stepmother again, she should tell her precious stepsister that the bath was ready.

After dealing with Prunella's hysterics, Hanne's stepmother finally decided that the insolent girl was more trouble than she was worth, and so decided to hire a maid to do all of Hanne's jobs. Hanne was to be locked in the attic and fed solely on a diet of bread and water until she apologized and promised to work hard and forgo any of her tricks.

A week into Hanne's punishment, her stepmother decided to visit Hanne and see if she had repented yet. Climbing the stairs, she noticed a strange amount of mice skeletons lying around, but she assumed that this simply meant the cat had got better at catching the little vermin.

When she reached the door to Hanne's bedroom, she stared at it in shock. Hanne had kicked a large hole in it, big enough to crawl through. The girl hadn't been trapped as securely as she'd thought after all! And this was sure to present a problem later in the story. If she didn't get the door replaced, when Hanne was locked away to prevent her from seeing the prince she could simply slip through the door and escape, and that took all the drama out of it!

Fuming, she threw open the door… and gasped in shock. Inside was a veritable treasure trove, things that had been missing for a few days and assumed lost. A pile of cushions dominated one corner, with the cat curled up on it, purring happily. A few of her best dresses that had been left out to dry when they had gone missing were draped across the bed with all of the beading and ornamentation removed. Figurines from the living room adorned the window sill, and a section of the room had been curtained off with what looked like one of her cloaks and a silk throw. What was worse, the thief that had caused all of this was conspicuously absent!

She stormed over to the curtained-off section and threw the curtains aside. Still no Hanne, but there was a rather worrying collection of lethal-looking mousetraps and bottles of poison. In pride of place in the centre of the display were a slingshot and a pile of sharp stones.

Suddenly, she heard something drop to the floor behind her.

"Oh, hi. I thought I heard you come in. Why are you up here?" Hanne was stood there staring at her, head tilted to one side.

"This was supposed to be a punishment! What have you done? How did you get all of this without being seen? Where were you just now? Why have you stolen such a large amount of mousetraps? I can't cope with this…" Hanne shrugged.

"I got bored. During the first day I kicked the hole in the door so that I could get out if I wanted to. After that I sneaked out in the night when everything was quiet and took everything I wanted. You deserved it for locking me up in here! Anyway, I finished decorating my room after the second night, so after that I just started collecting mousetraps and weapons to get rid of all the mice. If they will insist on coming in here and singing to me I rather think they deserve to be killed. I leave the bodies out as warnings to the other mice. It doesn't seem to be working though, now they just hide and sing about how sad they are that I won't be friends with them…" Hanne shuddered. "And the catapult is for firing pebbles at the birds. They wake me up every time I try to get to sleep with their incessant tweeting and I JUST CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! The mice are following me, the birds are twittering in my ears constantly, and there's no relief! Why did I have to be Cinderella? Why not Sleeping Beauty, or Rapunzel?" She shook her head. "Anyway, I digress. I was just up in the rafters setting traps. So you haven't answered my question; why are you up here?"

Her stepmother was now shaking slightly. "You KILLED the mice? No no no no NO! You are NOT allowed to kill the mice! You're Cinderella! You're supposed to protect the mice and the birds from the cat, and feed them, and make little clothes for them, so that in turn they rescue you when you're locked up, and make you a dress for the ball! They're key characters! As for the stealing, well this just proves my belief that you are the absolute worst Cinderella we have ever had. Cinderella is supposed to be a kind, hard-working, uncomplaining, beautiful girl. You are cruel, lazy, constantly complaining and a thief on top of all of this! I tried, God knows I tried, to get you to do at least a little work, to try to get you to conform to your role in this story, but I'm sorry to say I failed. I only pity his Highness, Prince Enthusiastic, for being destined to have such a wife!" By the end of this rant, Hanne's stepmother had actually taken Hanne by the shoulders and was shaking her.

Hanne pulled away and grinned. "That's the most complimentary thing anyone has ever said to me!"

This seemed to push her stepmother over the edge.

The result of all of this was that Hanne's stepmother was put into intense psychiatric care after her nervous breakdown, Hanne's stepsisters were terrified of her, and Hanne was still waging war against her furry and feathery followers.

A good result all round.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 6- Shannon and the random assortment of vegetables**

After the few moments of silence following Shannon's claim, Queen Melodramatic suddenly started laughing.

"Oh, a joke! Really, dear, with a peculiar sense of humour like that you might want to warn us next time. Honestly, of course you're the one we're looking for! Your group was selected for being the best possible matches for our dear princes. Then again, that might have simply been the fairy godmother's idea of a joke… No, I can tell just by looking at you that we shall get on famously!" Shannon stared at the Queen. Was she really going to have to put up with this for the rest of the foreseeable future?

"Ok, this is getting just a little too weird for me. Can I just go home already?"

"What? You want to…leave? But I thought we were getting on so well! I always wanted a daughter, and the second I saw you I just knew that you would be perfect! Oh, I can just see it… tea parties, buying pretty dresses, planning your wedding… Oh yes, that reminds me. Your bed has been all set up, so now all you need to do is lie on it and fail to get to sleep, and then you two can get married. Hmm, I suppose it might be a bit early to get to sleep yet though, why don't you two lovebirds go out and get a nice dress? We really can't have our new princess walking around in that, no offence dear." She ushered them both out of the room, while questioning them on whether they'd decided on names for the kids yet, and informing them that she'd always rather liked the name Ignorant.

2 hours and 14 dress shops later, Shannon was being restrained by two armed guards to keep her from killing Prince Tactless, the luckless shop assistant was showing dress after dress to the prince, and Prince Tactless was cheerfully rejecting each one.

"Nope, that's a horrible colour. That colour is equally nasty. She'll look awful in that. What were you thinking? Oh ye gods, that's ugly. Not a chance. We're going for Princess, not hooker. Don't you have anything that wouldn't look perfectly hideous on her? I know you don't have a lot to work with, but she'd look like a hippo in that… Nope, it looks like this shop doesn't have anything suitable either. On to the next one!" And with that he left, armed guards dragging Shannon behind him.

Finally they found a dress which Prince Tactless didn't deem too horrible. It was a blue full-length dress, and when Shannon put it on the assistants all declared it couldn't look as good on anyone else. Shannon was unsure as to how much of this was said from shameless toadying, but decided to accept the compliment anyway. She left the changing rooms far happier than she'd been all day.

Unfortunately, her happy bubble was soon popped by her soon-to-be-husband.

"Hmm… that looks almost passable on you! It looked far better on the hanger, but at least you're not a complete embarrassment now." He smiled as if she was supposed to be happy about this.

This time both of the armed guards and all of the assistants in the shop couldn't save Prince Tactless from his fiancée's wrath.

When they returned to the castle, Prince Tactless now sporting an impressive black eye, they were greeted by Queen Melodramatic. Shannon had managed to buy some earplugs during the shopping trip, and so was mostly spared from listening to the queen's anxious questioning. From the gestures, she grasped that she was worried about her son's new bruises, so Shannon was prepared to be the victim of yet more guilt-tripping, but she was not expecting to be suddenly pulled forward and clasped to the Queen's chest in a crushing hug. Deciding she'd better find out what exactly was going on, she pulled out the ear plugs.

"Of course this dear sweet little girl could never do such a thing! Why would you even suggest that? Here she is, frightened and alone in a new world, and there you go accusing her of attacking you! We should be nurturing and supporting her. I confess myself most shocked that I should have raised such a barbarous man! I expect you simply walked into a pole or something stupid like that and are too embarrassed to admit it, you silly man."

Shannon was pretty confused with this turn of events but decided to go with the flow.

"Um… yes, that's exactly what happened. As you can see, we really aren't suited to each other, I think I should just go home and be replaced with someone else." She smiled hopefully at them.

"Oh, believe me, I've already put in a request to trade you in for someone else, but it was denied. Apparently all 5 princesses need to be deemed unfit for us to send you home and get replacements, so don't hold your breath. 3 of the princes haven't even met their princess yet. I'm not worried about convincing Sexist to trade in his woman, he probably wouldn't even notice the difference, and from what I gather Whiny and his girl really haven't been getting on well. Actually, I'm surprised anyone's managed to put up with him for so long without killing him, but that's another matter. No, the problem's the other two. It doesn't really matter what Cinderella's like, Enthusiastic has decided that he's going to act as the perfect prince and that theirs shall be a love story to "span the ages", or some such tripe. He's been spending too much time with Prince Romantic, and he's way too impressionable. He's also very stubborn, so we don't have a hope, even without counting Prince Romantic's vote, which will of course go towards keeping you all here. Romantic is a complete idiot, and will be convinced that his princess is madly in love with him, whether she's interested or not. To summarize, you don't have a hope in Hell of getting out of this, so you might as well deal with it. Don't think for a minute that I'm any happier with it than you are." Shannon glared at him for that last comment, but was silent.

Shannon had to find a way to escape as soon as possible, and it didn't look like Prince Tactless would be of any help. What with Queen Melodramatic's response to her pleas to leave, she was certain that there would be no help coming from that quarter either, so it looked like she was going to have to do this on her own…

As soon as the sun set, a servant ushered Shannon into a large room completely dominated by a massive stack of mattresses with a ladder leaning against them. The whole structure looked a bit precarious, but she was assured that it had passed all the safety tests, although she did wonder what sort of safety tests one was supposed to perform on what was essentially a small mountain of mattresses.

Despite her concerns, she found her new bed very comfortable, and it wasn't long before she was asleep.

The next morning, Queen Melodramatic was very upset to hear how well she'd slept, but decided that she should try again, perhaps with something a little larger than a pea, and maybe with a few less mattresses. That evening saw Shannon presented with a bed half the size of the first, but still with at least 16 mattresses. She climbed to the top and instantly fell asleep.

Queen Melodramatic, after being consoled by her good friend Queen Naïve, told Shannon that she would forgive Shannon for being such a heavy sleeper as there had still been a lot of mattresses between her and the apple, and it hadn't been a very big apple anyway. After another busy day of trying to kill Prince Tactless for the never-ending stream of insults and avoiding the Queen as much as possible, Shannon was once again ushered into her bedchamber.

The pile of mattresses had once again halved, and this time when she got to the top she thought for a moment she could feel a bump in the mattress, but she decided to ignore it and go to sleep.

After going through potatoes, pineapples and melons with constantly lowering numbers of mattresses and a complete lack of success, Queen Melodramatic called Shannon in for a little talk.

"Look dear, this is really getting quite silly. The whole point to this story is that I put a vegetable under your mattress and you can't sleep, thereby proving you're a princess. You have so far failed each and every one of my tests, and it's really beginning to upset me. Don't you want to become part of the family? Of course you do. And just because I know you're absolutely perfect in all other respects and as you want to get married to my son so badly, I'm giving you another chance. Tonight is your absolute last chance, so do your best to get an absolutely terrible night's sleep. You can do that, can't you darling?" She didn't wait for a reply but instead smiled warmly at Shannon, embraced her and then swept away.

Shannon stared at her bed. She knew she was a heavy sleeper, but the Queen seemed to be taking things a little too far…

Her bed that night consisted of one (very thin) mattress balanced on the largest pumpkin she'd ever seen in her life. She looked at one of her attendants questioningly, but they simply gestured for her to get into bed, apparently finding nothing wrong with her sleeping arrangements. Clambering on top of the mattress, Shannon sighed. Was there anyone here who wasn't completely mad?

She shifted around and found, to her surprise, that it wasn't actually that uncomfortable. It wasn't blissful, but she could probably sleep there without too much trouble. Pulling her blankets over herself, she drifted off for hopefully the last time in this world. After all, they couldn't deny that she was completely unsuited to being a princess if she could sleep here! No, they'd be forced to send her back, and hopefully her friends with her.

The next morning, after questioning Shannon and hearing how well she'd slept last night, the Queen fell silent. Shannon anxiously awaited the outburst that was sure to follow, dismissing her from the castle and sending her home, but she was disappointed.

"I see." Queen Melodramatic finally said. Her hand was shaking as she reached for the teapot, and she sniffed, rubbing her eyes with her other hand.

"…Are you ok?" Shannon asked. It was obvious that the Queen was about to cry, and Shannon was starting to feel guilty.

"I-I'm fine. It's just… I only just realized! How could I be so horrible to you? How could I not recognize it? Oh you poor girl! How you've suffered!" and with that she burst into tears.

"Wait, what?" Shannon was understandably very confused.

"Oh, there's no need to deny it. I know everything, and I'm so, so sorry!"

"Can you just explain what it is you're supposed to know?"

"Why, that you've only been pretending to have had a good night's sleep for the past few days out of politeness! Of course there was no way you could have actually slept on that pumpkin, or indeed any of the previous fruits and vegetables! Oh, how I've been tormenting you, unaware of how you were truly feeling. I feel awful!" She burst into fresh floods of tears. Shannon tried to explain that this was not the case, but this only caused Queen Melodramatic to cry more and sob out that she didn't need to pretend anymore to spare her feelings.

By the time she'd stopped crying, Shannon had given up on changing her mind and was resigned to the whole situation. At least, she was until…

"W-Well, I think it's time to start planning your wedding. I've delayed it for far too long with my stupidity!" Yet more tears ensued, and Shannon was escorted out to give the Queen time to calm down.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 7- A Romantic dinner?**

"My love? Are you there, my precious? I, your faithful lover, have arrived! Let me gaze upon your beauteous visage, for today is the day I shall rescue you from your eternal torment and take you away to my castle where we shall be wed!" The prince stared wistfully up at the tower window, hoping for a glimpse of the maiden within. Unfortunately, the greeting he received was far from cordial.

"Piss off, I'm trying to sleep!"

"But my darling little princess of prettiness, I'm here to rescue you!"

"I don't need rescuing, especially by you. From you, that's a different matter..." For the past week Jess had been woken up by this imbecile serenading her outside her window loudly and off-key. Every. Single. Morning. Oh how she hated him... He called himself Prince Romantic, although whether that was his name or just a bad nickname Jess didn't know. She suspected the latter. The worst thing about it was that from the moment he'd seen her staring out her window in a fit of boredom one fateful morning, he'd been convinced she was his one true love and it was destined for them to be together. Now he only had to convince Kovacs of that.

"Oh, my love is so witty! Her charm and wit is only matched by her beauty and compassion! Truly, she is the most perfect creature ever to grace the Earth. I am so blessed to have her! Ah, every day I try to find the words for how amazing you are, but I will always fall short. My love for you only grows every time I hear your melodic voice; and all the more so when you deign to glance upon my unworthy person... We should be married immediately, I cannot wait any longer! Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair so that I may climb up it to carry you away!"

"If you think that I am going to risk getting even more split ends and putting my hair under so much stress that it may in fact fall out then you are even stupider than I first thought. Do you have any idea how damaging that would be to my hair? Because, believe me, I am certainly not going to risk it myself. I think that you are the biggest idiot on the planet for even suggesting that I allow you to use my hair as a kind of makeshift rope. In fact, I think you are so stupid that I would not be surprised if you tried to tell me that four plus four equals five, or similar."

"... Oh, you're trying to preserve your beauty for me! That is so sweet of you, but never fear, I would love you no matter what happened. Still, you are right; forcing you to give up just a portion of such loveliness would be practically sacrilege. No, I shall go and fetch a ladder, old traditions aren't as important as your continued wellbeing. I take my leave, but never fear, I shall be back as soon as possible, and then we may never be separated again!"

"Oh HELL no."

* * *

That day Jess practiced as much taekwondo as she could remember/ achieve wearing a very long dress in preparation for her unwanted visitor. Unfortunately she hadn't considered the possibility of the witch helping her wannabe lover out.

"What are you doing?"

"That was a roundhouse kick. I know, I know, it wasn't very good but if you would let me wear something else…"

"No! These ridiculous antics are just decreasing your marriage value! How can you expect your prince to rescue you if you're going to do your very best to lose all your femininity?"

"Actually I think he'd just find a way of making it a compliment." Said Jess grumpily.

"You should not take advantage of his chivalrous and gentlemanly nature! Instead you should try to learn to be a lady worthy of his affections and the compliments that he showers you with." Jess stared at her wondering whether witches were particularly susceptible to poison- she'd find some somewhere. Maybe the idiot would bring her some if she asked nicely… that would get rid of both of them. She was snapped out of her musings by what the witch said next.

"Well, you don't seem to be making any improvement here. Maybe I should just send you to the palace."

"What? Who's palace?"

"Your beloved husband-to-be's palace of course. After all, a place that's turned out such a brilliantly gentlemanly young man ought to transform you into the perfect fairytale princess in next to no time!" She smiled happily.

"No way. You were going to teach me spells, remember?" Jess said through gritted teeth in barely controlled fury.

"I know I said that at the time but you have to recognize that I'm really doing you a favour dear. It would be practically criminal for me to keep you here as you lose even more of your marriage value when you could be such a gentle young lady happily married and the centre of a fashionable court with all the heirs that a kingdom could want… Anyway, if you're not going to be reasonable I shall be forced to take drastic measures to ensure you don't mess up your own future. Remember, this is for your own good!"

A few minutes later, the otherwise frozen Jess could be heard muttering that last line repeatedly in tones of ever increasing ire as she sped towards her new home on the back of Prince Romantic's horse.

* * *

"What's wrong my precious? Not hungry? Or do you want me to feed you?" Jess could only glare in reply. Her darling fiancé had tied her to her chair and gagged her to prevent her repeated escape attempts. He had said it was only until she realised her love for him and calmed down, although it was hard to say how he'd know when this happened, given that she now had no way of communicating with him. To add insult to injury, the palace staff had provided the most appetizing meal she'd ever seen, which Prince Romantic was waving around in front of her face worriedly, apparently forgetting that he was responsible for her inability to eat.

Eventually accepting that Jess clearly wasn't going to eat anything, and attributing this to her wanting to keep her girlish figure for him, he decided to move on to the next part of the evening.

Suddenly Prince Romantic whipped out a violin from God-knows-where and prepared to play. Jess flinched, knowing that what followed was unlikely to be good.

She was not disappointed.

Prince Romantic played with passion, enthusiasm and a heck of a lot of effort. What he did not play with was talent. A rose clenched between his teeth, he danced around Jess, setting all of her teeth on edge with the awful sounds the violin was producing. It was so off-key it was hard to discern what tune it was supposed to be, and to make it even worse, it was louder than a rocket taking off. Kovacs was only thankful for the fact that the rose ensured he couldn't sing along with it.

Prince Romantic soon realized that playing a violin was about more than dramatic flourishes and sawing energetically at the strings. He put down the violin, giving Jess a blissful respite, and pulled out a tape player. After a few minutes of fiddling around with the tapes, he put one in and pressed play.

Although Jess found the sight of her fiancée pretending to play the violin somewhat ridiculous, she had to admit it was better than him actually playing.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 8- Laura is blessed. Ish. Kinda. Well, it's the thought that counts.

After everyone (except Laura) had eaten their fill, there was a fanfare. 12 fairies flew into the room, pirouetted and landed, one with a particularly loud thump. They turned as one towards Laura brandishing their wands like rapiers. With no explanation, they began to chant, but nobody seemed to find this at all odd. Laura looked around, but everyone was smiling gently (except Queen Impatient, who was looking at her watch and drumming her fingers on the table).

"I bless the princess with a beautiful singing voice." The first fairy's voice rang out, clear and confident.

"I bless the princess with great charisma."

"I bless the princess with short brown hair. Long blond locks are so last year!" The third fairy was as confident as the first and second fairies, but a lot less sensible.

"I bless the princess with epic World of Warcraft skills!" The fourth was clearly insane, but Laura was happy.

"I bless the princess with the ability to whistle." The fifth fairy had obviously run out of ideas for nice gifts, and had just chosen a random trait.

"I bless the princess with the ability to roll her tongue." The sixth had taken the same approach. Laura was beginning to get just a little underwhelmed with her gifts.

"I bless the princess with the inability to eat anything!" This fairy was clearly just sadistic.

"I bless the princess with a short attention span. Then she won't notice how much these gifts suck, with any luck." The eighth fairy was practical, but not particularly kind.

"I bless the princess with the ability to be heard above any crowd!" boomed the ninth fairy. Obviously Laura needed that one.

"I bless her with the ability to be completely useless in almost any given situation." The tenth fairy smiled at Laura as if she hadn't just given her one of the worst gifts in the history of bad gifts.

"I... Oh, I give up. Just have extra energy or something." The eleventh rolled her eyes as she idly waved her wand.

The twelfth was about to speak when the thirteenth fairy burst into the room in a puff of very fake red smoke. The twelfth sighed in relief: clearly she'd had no idea what to bless Laura with.

"MWAHAHAHAHA" She paused, coughing from the smoke. "Where was I? Ah yes... HAHAHAHAHA! You didn't invite me to this party, so I'm cursing you to..." The fairy kept talking, but thanks to the eighth fairy's gift, Laura missed pretty much all of it. That was, until her last couple of sentences. "So my gift for the princess is that if she pricks her finger on a spindle she will DIE!"

Laura wasn't too bothered by this: it wasn't like people wanting to kill her were particularly rare. Then she remembered that neither Ivan nor Kovacs were anywhere near to protect her. However, even if she wanted to say anything, whether to plead for her life or to aggravate the situation further, she didn't get a chance to. Prince Whiny had it covered.

"This is so unfair, I came here to meet my fiancé, and she turns out to be the worst princess in the history of princesshood, and then just when the fairies come in and they're supposed to make her a good princess, they give her some crappy gifts which just make her worse than she was already! And then, to make it even worse, she's now doomed to die, so I'm going to have to find a new one! This is the worst day ever! Not only is my current fiancé substandard, she's going to die, and then I've got to go into mourning when I won't even be particularly sad about it, fill out a load of paperwork and get another one, who will indubitably be worse than this one." Whiny actually seemed more upset about Laura's imminent death than she was, although for very different reasons.

The twelfth fairy looked a bit confused- obviously she wasn't used to working with such... unique characters. Queen Impatient, however, decided to spur her into action.

"Twelfth fairy! Speak now or forever hold your peace. Whatever you decide to do, get on with it!"

"Oh, that's right! Erm..." she assumed her Wish Granting Pose TM, wand at the ready. "Upon this fair princess, who my fellow fairy has cursed so harshly, I shall bestow a gift that shall save her life. I am only sorry I cannot do more for you my dear. However, as I raise my wand into the air, ready to-"

"Oh get on with it woman! Honestly, I've never had to sit through such a pointless and drawn out speech since my son last got a hangnail." No prizes for guessing who was speaking then. Queen Impatient was looking almost ready to murder. If this was how quickly she got annoyed, Laura wondered how Prince Whiny was still alive!

"Oh, sorry! Ok, then when the princess pricks her finger on the spindle she will not die but rather fall into a deep sleep for-"

"If you dare say 100 years you're getting arrested. I am the Queen of Made-Upia, mother of the future King of Notreala and I will not stand for being made to wait that long."

"...Um... a day?" She looked anxiously at Queen Impatient for her approval. She grudgingly gave it, nodding her head.

"Fine. I suppose that will simply have to do. I can probably get some reading done in that time..." Queen Impatient sighed.

* * *

After that long and confusing exchange, the banquet finally finished and the guests all returned to their respective homes. Laura did not really understand why everyone was looking so worried, as she hadn't been paying the slightest bit of attention and thus was blissfully ignorant of her impending doom; but they were looking scared enough to make her nervous... until she got distracted by a passing butterfly.

And so, when Laura wandered up the East Tower, which coincidentally was where the castle's sole spinning wheel was kept, she had no idea that she was bringing her tale to its climax, nor that by doing so she was consigning herself to the life of an unwilling princess. Maybe it's best that she hadn't listened to any of the numerous warnings she'd received. Otherwise the spindle would have had to be brought to her, and given that the spinning wheel was not exactly light and manoeuvrable, it could have taken a chapter just to get it down the stairs safely, and this story would have been needlessly extended, and believe me, nobody wants that; least of all Laura given that every moment spent in this world saw the inhabitants of the castle finding a new way to torture her.

Anyway, I digress. When she opened the door at the top, wincing slightly at the unnecessarily loud creaking this action brought, she was surprised to find the room already occupied by an old crone and a spinning wheel.

"Oh, thank Grimm Brothers you're here! I was so bored waiting for you!" Ok, scratch the old crone part. The thirteenth fairy wasn't even trying to disguise her voice. "Anyway, look, a nice shiny spindle... I bet you really want to try using that don't you?" she wheedled.

Now, Laura was many things, but she wasn't that stupid. Besides, she'd given up Textiles in year 10 to take food tech. She knew enough to identify the thing as a spinning wheel, but had next to no idea of how to use the thing, even if she was so inclined.

Besides, it's not like the fairy could have made it any more obvious that her intentions were far from benign. Anyone attempting to look that innocent had to be up to no good.

"No, I'm good thanks..." The fairy looked a bit annoyed at this, but tried again.

"But it's shiny. Look at it and its shininess. You know you want to touch it, go on..."

"No."

"You know you want to..."

"I said NO."

"It won't hurt. Go on, just reach out and this will all be over..."

"Hmm... it is quite shiny..." Laura seemed to consider this for a moment, and then remembered why she was still arguing. "No, I know where this fairytale goes and I don't want to sleep for a hundred years! Imagine how long it'd take to catch up on all the manga I'd missed! Plus, I'm not that lazy."

"Oh for..." a brief scuffle later, the fairy forced Laura's hand onto the spindle (rather harder than necessary, but to be fair she was pretty angry by this point) and laughed triumphantly.

"Aww... but I don't want to go to slee-" And with that, Laura was out, although she did manage to flail pathetically at the fairy one last time before passing out, for all the good it did her.

* * *

She woke up to the sound of whining.

"Stupid tradition... why keep her at the top of this tower? I'm tiiired... And when I get up there, I'm going to have to kiss her, and that's just icky. I bet she won't be grateful either, even though I've had to climb all of these stairs and I nearly slipped down one of them and that would have really hurt and I could have died! Why couldn't she be kept in the entrance or something so I wouldn't have to go around looking for her? It's really booooring and I've wasted so much time and Mummy is going to yell at me for that, like she usually does. Why are my parents so meeeaaan? They're horrible, nobody has ever had parents as nasty as mine! They don't appreciate me, no one does! It's so unfaaaaiiiir... Oh great, I'm at the top, now I have to kiss her... I don't want to! She's not even pretty or nice or anything! I deserve more than this." Laura automatically began to tune out Prince Whiny's monologue and go back to sleep, when she suddenly what had happened, and what was about to happen if she wasn't too careful...

She sat up just as he entered the room.

"Oh, you're up. Couldn't you have walked down by yourself then? I had to walk all the way up here and now I've got to walk all the way down again and did you know the stairs here are all really slippery? They're a death-trap! Ugh, and now we've got to go down and get married and I really don't want to because I don't like you very much but I've got to anyway because otherwise Mummy will yell at me. Not that she won't anyway, because not only did it take ages to find this stupid room, you didn't wait to be woken up properly, so now we've broken the tradition. And did I mention that I'm tired and really don't want to walk all the way back down again? It's so hard to have to do all this stuff just because you're a prince. I never asked for this!" Laura sighed. Prince Whiny looked back out of the doors and down the stairs and blanched.

"I'm not walking down that. There's nothing for it, you'll have to carry me."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 9- A not-so-perfect Princess

Unfortunately, Jess only had about a week to enjoy her reign of terro- I mean, equal opportunities and free will. Her stepmother, clad in a sparkly new sinister crone (TM) outfit from Gucci's 2011 Evil Villain collection, saw to that. Jess had just sent the dwarves off to the mine (save Sleepy and Happy, who were tasked with washing the clothes in a nearby river) and was just sitting down to read one of the (pitifully few) books in the cottage that weren't about mining, when there was a knock at the door. Sighing, and wishing she'd had the foresight to keep at least one of the dwarves back for such menial tasks, Jess got up to answer it.

She opened the door, looked at her unexpected visitor... and then promptly shut the door in her face. She was still bearing a grudge from being thrown out of the carriage after all.

* * *

To her credit, Jess managed to ignore the pounding at the door and yelling for a good ten minutes before finally relenting.

"What?" Jess asked, in tones of severe annoyance.

"What do you mean, "what"? Ungrateful girl! I have been waiting outside for hours, growing steadily more tired as you callously ignore my pleas for help, and now you finally deign to let this poor, ailing old woman in from the bitter cold outside, you ask me that. Is it not obvious that I am trying to usher forward the next part of the story by acting as a useful plot device? Make no mistake; I would certainly not be here dealing with your insufferable rudeness if it were not strictly necessary. One would think that you would like to be rescued from your new life of servitude, but apparently not!" Jess didn't bother to correct her stepmother on the servitude part, she didn't have time anyway as barely seconds after the rant was seemingly finished she started up again.

* * *

5 minutes later...

"...and that's why you should always listen to your elders!"

Realising that Jess wasn't listening anymore, her stepmother considered starting her rant again but realising that she'd wasted enough time already she decided to get straight to the purpose of her visit.

"Never mind, dearest. Would you like an apple? They're good for you!"

"Not especially, no. I know how this story goes..."

"An orange then?"

"No."

"Cookies?"

"I probably can't eat them anyway."

"Well what can you eat?"

"I quite like chocolate..." Her stepmother's face lit up "But I won't eat anything you give me anyway. I told you, I know how this story goes and I don't want the plot to go any further than this, thank you."

The Queen looked like she was going to start shouting, but suddenly stopped, looked at her contemplatively and then left. Jess stared after her, before shrugging and shutting the door, glad to be able to go back to her book.

* * *

A few short hours later, there was another knock at the door. Jess sighed, and pulled herself up. Opening the door, she was surprised to see nobody there but a bar of chocolate on the doorstep. Bending down to pick it up, she heard something whizz over her head. She froze, and then slowly stood up again and looked at the door behind her. A small dart was stuck in the wood, right where her head had been. Turning round, she saw her stepmother coming out of the bushes, blowpipe in hand. Before she could react, the pipe was at her stepmother's lips and then everything went black.

* * *

Jess woke up to the unexpected sight of a stranger's face hovering over hers, his lips were pursed as though he were about to kiss her but the grimace that he wore suggested that he disliked that prospect as much as she did. She also found herself in a rather uncomfortable glass box wearing a dress that was red, yellow and blue- a far cry from the rather lovely green she had been wearing before her impromptu nap.

"Um… could you please back off a bit?" The stranger's eyes snapped open and he glared.

"You are supposed to follow the plot. Typical woman," He muttered. "Not following orders-"

"Excuse me?" Jess B sat up and inhaled as she prepared for the rant of her life. The rant those dwarves had suffered would be nothing to this… The dwarves all ran for cover. "You are actually suggesting that all a woman is supposed to do is follow orders?"

"Yes, I am. What of it, wench?"

"Do not call me wench and what do you mean 'What of it'? Women have minds too! We are strong, independent, capable-"

"-you are capable in the kitchen and embroidery. Oh, and childbirth."

Jess could hardly contain her rage. "You sexist-"

"You know my name then. Perhaps you are not such a stupid specimen after all. I must bring you to my castle."

"No! I'm not moving. I'm not going anywhere with you." She lay back down with her arms crossed. Prince Sexist just sighed and shook his head.

"Suit yourself." He fetched his horse "Dwarves! Bring me rope!" A dwarf nervously came out from his hiding place and dashed into the cottage. They heard clangs and the sound of pots and plates falling to the floor, before he returned with a length of rope. "Excellent," said the prince who then shut Jess in the box, tied it to his horse and started to ride away.

* * *

After what felt like hours they arrived at the castle and Jess concluded that glass coffin was not a good way to travel. What's more, the dwarves seemed to have packed roses in with her and the thorns kept pricking her through the dress.

Prince Sexist dismounted and sauntered over to her.

"Ready to get out now, woman?" Jess just continued glaring. She was not going to make things easy for this…she couldn't find a word strong enough, but she just wasn't going to do as he wanted, no matter how many bruises she had got from a combination of potholes and coffin-travel. The prince soon tired of this and dragged her out of the coffin himself. He carried her through the courtyard, up some stairs, into a bedroom where he threw her down on the bed. "You'd better be suitably appreciative of that! I am aware that strength is something a good man should have, and carrying his woman is something-"

"Your woman? I am not and will never be yours. I am not property- no woman is!"

"We are to be married and a wife is her husband's property. So quit whining and-"

"No! I. Am. Not. Marrying. _You_." Jess stood up and looked Prince Sexist in the eye, irritated when he just smirked.

"I beg to differ. Still, I'll arrange for you to go shopping. Women like that, don't they?" He left and Jess proceeded to push furniture against the door.

"If I'm stuck here I might as well make sure that he can't get in…"


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 10- Grand Theft Carriage

Hanne was looking forward to that evening. The stepmother and sisters were all going to some party which meant that she'd be home alone. Also her kill score for small rodents and birds had exceeded twenty- a new record. She relaxed happily on her bed, contemplating raiding the kitchen for some snacks when she heard a knock at her door.

"Come in!" She called and her stepmother entered. After a week in hospital and visits from doctors she was looking somewhat better and she had given up trying to get Hanne to do anything.

"We are going to the ball. You know the one where his Royal Highness Prince Enthusiastic will choose his bride…" She looked at Hanne hopefully, as though she thought that some miracle could have occurred and Hanne would actually want to play along.

"Have fun. Get Prunella to wear those ruffles. She'll terrify everyone there." Hanne grinned wickedly and the stepmother sighed and left.

* * *

Sometime later Hanne was reclining on a sofa with a bowl of crisps and enjoying a nice, lazy evening home alone.

Unfortunately, this didn't last long. An old woman wearing a lavender cloak appeared in the room and brandished a long pointy stick.

"Do not cry, sweet Cinderella! I am your fairy godmother and you shall go to the ball!"

"What? No! I'm not Cinderella!" The woman ignored her and smiled what she obviously thought was a caring, comforting smile.

"You can stop weeping, dear child. Just fetch me some mice, a pumpkin and some lizards and I shall provide you with transport for-"

"Get them yourself. Oh, you might have a problem with finding some mice…"

"Excuse me?"

"I've killed them. They kept trying to sing to me, and I like my lie ins so they just had to die. You know how it is." The fairy godmother's jaw dropped and she froze.

"You… you killed the mice?"

"Yep," Hanne smiled, picking a crisp out of the bowl.

"But… what will I use for horses?"

"You could always try using an actual horse you know. I'm sure there's one around somewhere. Just steal one if you have to."

"I'm a good fairy! Good fairies don't steal! I suppose you're going to suggest that I should just steal an entire carriage rather than make you one…" She muttered then realised her mistake.

"You're getting the hang of this crime thing." Hanne said, frowning when she noticed that she had finished the crisps. "Doesn't mean I'm going to this ball though."

"I'm about to steal a carriage. You are going to this ball whether you like it or not!" The fairy waved her wand and Hanne felt herself float up into the air. Silvery light swirled around her and then she slowly dropped to the ground. When the light faded she saw that her clothes had been changed and the fairy was looking extremely pleased with herself. "The latest in fairy fashion!" She smiled happily. "Don't you just love it? All made out of the finest ice blue silk- really, this particular gown is a triumph- with a bodice of hardened silk with shards of diamonds woven into it, a full skirt with lace petticoats and an overskirt embroidered with silver thread in clever designs-"

"Clever designs? Seriously what the hell does that mean?" Hanne looked down at the skirt (which was too heavy to be at all practical) and pretended to be carefully examining it. "Nope, can't see anything clever."

"What?"

"Well, clever designs implies something, well, clever. Clever is E=MC2 all I see on this is swirly crap."

The fairy waved that comment aside. "Anyway, you will love the shoes! Glass! Glass slippers! You are going to start a trend!" Hanne just lifted up her skirt, pulled off the shoes and held them up.

"I am not wearing these. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable they actually are?" She threw one slipper against the wall where it smashed. "Oops. Looks like I can't wear them now, can I? Besides, that was such a health and safety risk- you're not very good at this fairy godmother thing are you?" The fairy ground her teeth together.

"That. Was Haute Couture." She sniffed as though she was about to cry.

"There, there, it's ok. I'll just wear my trainers! Look, the finest you can get from TK Maxx, with that wonderful purple stripe, encrusted the finest mud…" The fairy seemed to have gone into shock. "Plus, carriage stealing will be much easier to do in these. Hmm, I'm kinda looking forward to this."

"Fine…" The fairy said weakly, looking on helplessly as Hanne got some mud on the hem of her skirt.

"Shall we go then?" Hanne asked brightly.

* * *

Hanne and the fairy snuck into the stable of one of the neighbours.

"I really don't like this…" The fairy whispered.

"Don't be boring. Look! That carriage will do." The fairy waved her wand and the horses obediently trotted over to the carriage and were harnessed. Hanne opened the door of the carriage and peered inside. "Very nice. Velvet cushions, nice puffy seats…"

"Who will drive the carriage?"

"You might as well. I'm sure you'll get the hang of it as quickly as you've got the hang of crime." Hanne climbed into the carriage and settled herself in among the cushions leaving a bewildered fairy to pick up the whip and the reins.

* * *

The fairy godmother looked a bit ill when they finally got to the palace. Hanne got out of the carriage and smiled up at her.

"See? That wasn't so hard! Now you have an extra job option too. Really, I've done you a favour here."

"Oh…ok. Um... you need…"

"Yeah, yeah. I need to go to this stupid party. Fine, I'm going!" Hanne went up the steps, through the doors into the palace and eventually entered the ballroom where everyone inside stopped talking.

"Hi" Hanne smiled and waved then walked through the crowd.

"Look at that dress! And those… trainers?"

"Isn't she graceful?"

"Isn't she beautiful?"

Hanne was looking around the room, admiring the decorations. They were pretty good- crash! Someone cannonballed into her and they both fell on the floor.

"Get off me!" Hanne pushed the guy off her.

"CINDERELLA! YOU'RE FINALLY HERE!"

"For the last time I AM NOT CINDERELLA!"

"Now we can get married and live happily ever after and won't it be wonderful, we can have a love story that will span the ages and be remembered for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever-"

"Stop talking!"

"Sorry would you like to dance, we're supposed to dance you know I'm an excellent dancer I really like dancing don't you like dancing of course you will-" Hanne found herself pulled up and onto a dance floor.

"I'm guessing that you are Prince Enthusiastic."

"Yes I am how did you know don't you love dancing I love dancing-"

"No! No, I do not like dancing" She struggled as the prince (unsuccessfully) attempted to waltz.

"What do you like doing? We could try a different dance-"

"No." Hanne pulled herself away from the prince. "I'm leaving."

"Wait… It's not yet midnight…"

"Don't care!" Hanne ran out of the room, hoping that the fairy was still outside with the carriage.

The fairy was and saw Hanne running.

"Aren't you a bit early? You're supposed to spend an entire evening-"

"Not going to happen"

"Well you need to at least leave a shoe behind." The fairy waved her wand and one of Hanne's trainers disappeared from her foot and reappeared at the top of the palace steps.

"How will that help?"

"Your foot is the only one that will fit that shoe…"

"Yeah, cause 6 and a half is such a rare shoe size." She turned to go and get her shoe but the fairy waved her wand and Hanne found herself dragged into the carriage and taken home.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 11- One Hell of a Send Off

Shannon was being subjected to breakfast with Queen Melodramatic when the post arrived.

"A letter for you, my queen," Said a servant who bowed and held out a fairly innocuous letter sealed with wax.

"A letter? For me?" Melodramatic took the letter then clutched it to her heart and turned to Shannon. "Isn't it wonderful when you find out that there is someone out there in the world who loves you?" Shannon felt a very fixed smile creep across her face.

"Yes. I'm sure that, as a queen, you never receive letters…" Melodramatic ignored her and carefully slid a knife under the seal and opened the letter.

"Ahem," She said and then read out the letter.

"Queen Melodramatic,

Unfortunately the stupid woman I was sent is misbehaving and refuses the leave her room. You will have to send Prince Tactless and his fiancée here for the wedding,

Prince Sexist"

"Who's Prince Sexist?" Shannon wondered as Tactless walked into the room.

"Prince Sexist is the better of the other princes in this world." He sighed as he saw his mother start to cry. "What is it mother?"

"You're about to leave?" She sniffled. "How can I bear to see you both leave?"

"Yeah, well we have to go. I'm going to have to go on a long boring journey with this girl, which, let's face it-"

"-My name is Shannon"

"Whatever, it's not something I want to do. So we're all going to be suffering."

"I shall have to prepare your entourage! You'll need guards, a marching band, acrobats, and an elephant- no! Two elephants…" Queen Melodramatic was counting things on her fingers and looking excited.

Shannon escaped to her room

In her room Shannon threw herself onto the large bed she had been given after the vegetable fiasco. She lay there for a while, worrying about the coming journey. After a month in this place she had come to terms with the fact that she was unlikely to be able to escape.

Shannon sat up and caught a glance of herself in the mirror and frowned. There was something different… She tilted her head to one side and realised what it was.

Her hair had changed. It was definitely longer, and the stripes of colour she had dyed at home were completely gone. She'd known that they had been fading, but to have completely disappeared was a bit odd. Plus, her hair was a different shade of brown. Rather than the almost black dark brown it had been before it was now a lustrous light chestnut colour. She prodded it doubtfully. Had the servants done something?

"Admiring yourself? Well, I suppose someone's got to think you look good…" Prince Tactless barged into her room.

"Get out."

"I'm your fiancé, why shouldn't I go as I please?"

"Because I said so. Why are you called Tactless? You're just insulting…"

"They couldn't call someone royal Insulting, so Tactless was the next best thing. So what clothes will you take?" A couple of servants bustled in and started pulling gowns out of Shannon's wardrobe.

"What does it matter? It's not like any of them look good on me anyway, do they?" Tactless either ignored her sarcasm or didn't notice it at all.

"Hey, you can't fault me for being honest."

"You aren't honest." Shannon walked over to him and was annoyed by the fact that he was significantly taller than her- though that didn't stop her from trying to hit him again. Unfortunately, he caught her wrist before her fist could collide with his jaw.

"Get packing. I want to get this journey over and done with as soon as possible."

Queen Melodramatic felt that she had really outdone herself with this send off. The carriage was perfect for her new daughter to spend the coming weeks in; the herd of elephants were adorned with plumes of feathers and had acrobats dancing on their backs; the guards were fully armed and the marching band could play the finest fanfares.

Shannon just looked on in horror.

"Well Mother that is a nice way to overdo things. Do you really want to draw attention to 'Shannon'?" He moaned in pain when Shannon elbowed him in the kidneys. Shannon was then pulled into a rather painful hug by Melodramatic.

"I know how much we are going to miss each other, but don't worry! I'll be there for your wedding!" She sniffed and hugged Shannon even tighter until Tactless pulled her off.

"Let's get this over and done with please."

Shannon got into the carriage and made herself comfortable. Queen Melodramatic had overdone it in a good way with the carriage- the bed was extremely comfortable.

After two weeks they finally arrived at Prince Sexist's castle and Shannon wanted to scream with relief. She was sick of the carriage and of Prince Tactless. She heard the fanfare (that was about five minutes too long) and the door was opened for her.

"Announcing Shannon!" Shouted the many members of the marching band "The fiancée of Prince Tactless, son of Queen Melodramatic…" Shannon swallowed and walked out of the carriage. She looked at the group of people clustered on the castle steps. Tactless was talking to a man and seemed to actually (shockingly) be friends with him. Then- and this made Shannon smile- she saw Jess B. She ran over to her friend.

"Jess!" She hugged Jess as tightly as Queen Melodramatic had hugged her. Then she realised something and wondered why this hadn't bothered her sooner. "What's up with your hair?"


End file.
